How do you deal with an unsupportive spouse?

Today’s blog steams from a question I received from a friend.

“So here is a question, friend of mine is on her weight loss journey too. She has a husband, now he is all for her losing weight but complains when it " effects" him when she doesn't drink on the weekends, when she is too tired for sex, when she doesn't cook the big weekend greasy breakfasts anymore. He had the nerve to ask her to cut down on her workouts so she is not so tired and he is not so neglected. She asked me for advice and all I just had choice words so I figured I would bring it to others before getting back to her. I am so thankful my husband is so supportive!!!”

Are the people closest to you supportive of your journey to health? I feel very blessed that my husband is. Does he still eat a candy bar here and there? Yes, he does. For me that is OK. He is not trying to sabotage me and if he does bring unhealthy food into the house he keeps it in his office. He doesn’t offer me the bad stuff and celebrates my accomplishments with me.

I do have people other than my spouse who are unsupportive. The person who insists I must try the muffins they made. The person who pouts because I won’t have dessert and a glass of wine with them or the person who doesn’t seem to have time for me anymore because I don’t want to drink, or sit around eating unhealthy things. The person who doesn’t say out loud, that they think how I am doing things is wrong, but I can tell in the way we never talk about my new way of life. I am changing my life for the better. No one will derail me from the path I am on. Unfortunately that may mean revaluating some family interactions and friendships too.

So here are a few things to think about and apply to your life if you are dealing with non-supportive people in your life. 

 

Do It For You.

First things first - do not lose weight for someone else.  There are two types of non supportive spouses - one that develops insecurities because their significant other is losing weight and one who constantly berates a spouse because of their weight.  Your wife or husband should not be ashamed of you because you are overweight and they should not harass you about the food you eat or the lack of exercise you do.  That is abuse and no one should put up with that.  If you are at an unhealthy weight, definitely make an attempt to get healthy, but honestly, your weight loss efforts should not be all about looks, but more about health.  Those who lose weight for health tend to keep it off longer than those who take it off to look good in a bikini. Although setting that type of goal is an excellent idea, there should be more to it than that.

If you have the type of spouse who is constantly commenting that you need to lose weight and you start on a weight loss regimen, make it very clear that you are doing this for you and NOT for them.  Make it clear that you will do it your way and in your own time and that you do not need them to comment on what you are eating or that your exercise is not good enough.  Point out that weight loss is not a one-sized-fits-all ambition, but that every person has to do it their way.

A spouse that repeatedly says "You don't need to lose weight, you look fine just like you are" is a bit harder to manage when you start a weight loss program.  Often, that type of spouse is insecure in the relationship anyway and may have it in their heads that you may leave them when you get to your goal weight.  The only way to reassure this type of spouse is to repeatedly comment on the health benefits of the plan.  Comments like "Oh!  These jeans look much better on me now!" will not help in convincing them that you are not doing this for looks.  However, comments like "Wow!  I just walked around the block and I am not winded at all!" will show them that your health is improving, as will visits to the doctor with improved lab test results.  Use those to reinforce that you are doing this to spend more years with them and not to go find someone else.

Willpower - The Antidote to Sabotage

It is tough to realize that not everyone will support your weight loss efforts, and that doesn't always mean your spouse. Many of our gatherings with friends revolve around food.  When we decide to get together, the first question is "What are we going to eat?"   I eat what I want, just smaller portions, and am honest with myself when I log my food into my food diary.  If I go over at a gathering, I try to drink more water or do an extra workout to make up for the extra calories.

So, my best advice if your spouse or friends are constantly pushing food or drinks on you that you feel are not good, stand up for yourself, use your willpower and just say no

Be Prepared for Jealousy

Do you have those people in your life that tell you “You look fine the way you are” “Thicker is better” “Don’t get too skinny, that’s gross” If you hear that from your friends, don't take it personally.  Just smile and say "Thank you, but I just need to get my body healthy".  They may just be feeling jealous that you are succeeding and they don’t know where to start.

Find Support Elsewhere

If your spouse, friends or extended family are not supportive of your weight loss, then find the support you need elsewhere.  Refuse to discuss your weight loss with those who are not supportive, and if it comes up, change the subject to avoid an argument or a hit to your own self esteem. I have found a few different support groups. I am part of a First place 4 Health bible study at church. Meeting once a week with this group of people really keeps me accountable. I also joined an online challenge group with my Beachbody coach. (I will be starting one soon now that I am a coach, so if you would like more information about it please let me know) I believe the challenge group has saved my life. I have a group of people that I check in with everyday, the good days and the bad days. We are there to support each other, and be a someone who understands what we are all going through. 

Support is absolutely necessary to be successful in a weight loss journey.  Not having it can make it difficult to stick with the program.  Honestly, the only way to work through it is to do it for yourself and find the support where you can.  You are your strongest ally and if you are behind yourself, you will be successful.

Have a Happy Healthy Day!